Desperacious
by bikelock28
Summary: "Scherbatsky, I thought I'd taught you better than this. It's February 13th! It's Desperation Day!"...because that was always going to be more important than their first Valentine's Day. Short Barney/Robin oneshot fluff. T for some language (don't blame me, blame Barney!). Please R and R.


**I really like the opening of 8.22 ****_The Bro Mitzvah, _****with Barney and Robin just hanging round in their apartment and getting on each other's nerves ( they really wouldn't be the sort of couple who just sit round and talk affectionately and normally, would they?). And I just watched 6.16 ****_Desperation Day, _****so I had to write this. **

**Set on the morning of February 13****th**** 2013, between 8.16 ****_Bad Crazy _****and 8.17 ****_The Ashtray. _****T because… well, Barney. I don't own HIMYM.**

Desperacious

"So, you know what day it is today?"

She eyes him. "Um, Wednesday,"

"Yeah. But it's also…" he looks at her eagerly.

"Wednesday…the thirteenth?"

"Scherbatsky, I thought I'd taught you better than this. It's February 13th! It's Desperation Day!"

"That's not a thing, Barney,"

"_It's A Thing. _And this Desperation Day is very special. This is the first Desperation Day without the Barnacle around to make all those lonely, busty, horny ladies feel better about themselves after they're dateless and alone on the day of_ romance_,"

"I'm sure they're in despair," she says, sardonically.

"Oh, they will be. Luckily, there's Ted,"

She scoffs. "Ted? What, our Ted? The Ted who has seen the Sex and the City movie seven times? He's going to hook up with ransom single girls the day before Valentines' Day? "

"He's no Barnacle, I admit, but I don't think the last twelve years have been a complete waste of time. He'll be my secondary St Desperacious . The demi-god, the lesser prophet, while the real -St Desperacious that would be me- is here spending Valentine's Day with you,"

"Ted's got his crazy girl. And anyway, you know I hate Valentine's Day. Are we going to be one of those couples who buy each other roses and flowers and heart-shaped chocolate boxes? God, I feel sick just thinking about it,"

"What d'you want to do, then?" his eyes light up, "Laser tag? Please?"

"Nice try, maybe another time. Why do we have to do anything? Can't we just have a normal day being normal, ignoring all that girly corporate garbage?" She leans on the kitchen counter, watching him lace up his shoes. It always strikes her as weird to see him wearing socks and no shoes. He's never seemed like a socks sort of person.

"Fine, if you want. I don't really dig all that anyway. If you want the truth, I don't understand it,"

"No, I know. So we're agreed, we'll just have a normal day ignoring any chocolates or cards or repeats of Love Actually on TV,"

"Agreed. OK,"

"And we're not going to go out for dinner to some restaurant all done up in pink with stupid menus in French,"

"Ce que tu veux, ma chéri," Barney winks and blows her a kiss. She pretends to catch it, then pulls a face slaps her hand down on the counter as if squashing a fly.

"You're so lame,"

"I'm _awesome_,"

Robin rolls her eyes (although what else did she expect him to say?) and turns away from him. She catches sight of herself in the mirror he has on the inside door of his cupboards (sometimes his narcissism is truly frightening) and ties her hair up.

"So awesome, in fact, that you and I are going to have _the hottest sex_ of all time tomorrow right,"

When she doesn't reply, he adds, "Like, Finland hot,"

"Finland's cold, Barney,"

"Like Vicky Mendoza hot, just without you trying to kill me,"

"Don't bet against that,"

"Like Megan Fox making out with Lara Croft making out with the girl from Harry Potter hot,"

"That girl's like eighteen. And she looks about twelve,"

"So? Daddy's home. They'd be making out with you as well though. Yeah, the four of you having some kind of _liaison_,"- he pronounces it with a French accent- "involving baby oil and bubble bath, in Finland or some other hot county, with Vicky Mendoza filming it…that's how hot we're going to be tomorrow night,"

"Right,"

He puts his suit jacket on, and can't resist winding her up a bit more, "Well, seeing as you don't sound very enthusiastic about our super-hot sex, I _could_ always get you flowers,"

"Yeah…no,"

"Roses. Or, um, geraniums. Or…shoot, I don't know any more flowers,"

"If you get me any sort of flowers, I will not hesitate to use them to stain every single one of your white shirts,"

His face falls deadly serious.

"That. Is not a joke, Scherbatsky,"

"Oh no, it's not. I'll do it,"

"You wouldn't,"

She gives him her _You know I'm that good_ face, "Try me,"

"Hmm. My suits mean a lot to me, but pissing you off is up there as well," He holds his sleeve to his mouth and whispers, "I didn't really mean it, Horatio," He kisses the fabric, and says to Robin, "Guess it'll have to be that crazy hot Harry Potter Vicky Mendoza Finland sex then, won't it?"

She nods, laughs, and mutters, "You're an idiot,"

"Sorry?"

"You're an idiot,"

"Mmm, say it again,"

"Why?"

"Just…okay?"

Robin sighs. Sometimes, she thinks, she'll never understand him. "Barney Stinson, you are the biggest, weirdest, creepiest, most irritating idiot ever to have walked the Earth. And I don't even mean that in a cutesy way," she adds, but still with a smile on her face, "Seriously, you're actually a total idiot,"

He's grinning at her from ear to ear.

"You don't say that very often, you know," he informs her.

"Yeah, but I'm thinking it all the time,"

That just makes him smile even more. He knows it's not vitally import to him or to their relationship, but it gives him butterflies to hear her say it.

"What the hell's with you today, Barney?"

"Nothing. I don't know," he leans his elbows on the other side of the counter and looks at her. He's always liked her with her hair tied up. She really is gorgeous.

Barney considers telling her the truth about what he learnt in Robin 101, but eventually he settles simply on, "I told you; it's Desperation Day. It's A Thing, you know. Today's a major festival for Bro-kind,". It's way more fun if she doesn't know.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't you have Bros to mentor or under-age girls to perv on or- I don't know- a _job _to get to?"

He raises his palms in semi-submission and heads towards the door, but before he opens it, he turns back to her.

"Scherbatsky?"

"What is it now?"

He's grinning like a Cheshire Cat again. _Your fiancé's an utter madman, _Robin thinks to herself.

"You're a total idiot, too,"

**Total fluff, I know, but I do hope you enjoyed.**

**While I'm here, CAN WE JUST TALK ABOUT NEIL PATRICK HARRIS AT THE TONY AWARDS?! He sings, he dances, he raps, he does magic, he jumps through hoops, he makes Mike Tyson dance, he wears extremely tight trousers, he snogs a dog (have you ever been more jealous of a dog in your life?)…IS THERE ANYTHING THIS MAN CANNOT DO?**

**Sorry, that was a bit of a fangirl moment. Anyway, thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed, please review J**

**PS- The French means, "Whatever you want, my darling," and Emma Watson would actually be 22.**


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